Finished at last!
My latest book is a tragi-comedy for Young Adults (14-18 years). It's a little more off-beat than my previous novels and tells the story of an insecure and lonely boy and his growing relationship with a mutant cabbage.
Here's an excerpt from Chapter Two:
It must have followed
me home last night - or sniffed out my trail this morning. I dodged
down below the level of the sink unit.
'What's up?' asked
Becca, my sister. She's always late down on Sundays, having become an
evangelical vegetarian. She stared reproachfully at Dad who was still
hoovering up my bacon and sausage.
'Just doing my
exercises,' I said.
She came to stand
beside me at the window.
'Bloody hell!'
'Sssh!'
'What is it?' she
whispered.
'It came from Dad's
allotment. Last night I think it ate a load of his cabbages.'
'How does it eat? It's
got no mouth.'
'No idea.'
But then the thing
squirted some sort of slime from its nose on to Mum's favourite rose
bush. The bush dissolved into a steaming puddle of sludge. We
watched, transfixed, as it sucked up the green slime. After a
moment's hesitation it expelled it again with a fart so loud it
nearly shattered the window.
'Oh God, that's
disgusting!' said Becca.
Mum and Dad hadn't
noticed anything. Dad had finished his own and my fry-up and was sunk
in gloom again. Mum was trying to cheer him up with the news that yet
another Line Dancing Class was opening up in Swindon. They're both
passionate about line dancing. They already attend two classes and a
Saturday night session at the local Sports and Social Club. They've
got all the gear. Stetsons, embroidered shirts, cowboy boots. Dad has
a belt with a huge silver buckle and Mum has a blonde wig that makes
Dolly Parton's look like a bargain buy.
Two or three times a
year when there's a special event - the anniversary of Hank Williams'
passing or anything to do with Dolly Parton, Mum's idol - they insist
on Becca and me going with them. It's so embarrassing, just thinking
about it makes me cringe. If anyone at school ever found out, I'd be
a joke forever.
'What are you going to
do about it?' Becca said.
Now Dad's seen the
evidence at the allotment, he doesn't have to know I was there, does
he? But how could I explain the thing's presence right outside our
kitchen window? I didn't have to, I realised. It could have followed
Dad home this morning. Which meant Chloe and me were in the clear.
Sorted.
I shrugged.
'Me? It's not my
responsibility, is it? Why does it have to be me?'
'Well, don't expect me
to help. I'm just a girl.'
Becca makes a lot of
noise about equality and women's rights, but when it suits her - like
now - she can switch easily to the frail helpless little female act.
It takes pretty good acting, seeing that at seventeen, 5'8" in
height and probably weighing a good 160 lbs, she looks more like a
female rugby player.
'If it's up to anyone,
it should be Dad,' I said. ' He's always going on about the secret
ingredient in his manure that makes his stuff bigger than anyone
else's.'
'What? You think that's
just an overgrown vegetable? With arms and legs and revolting
habits?'
'What else can it be?'
'An alien from another
planet?'
'Don't be daft. Even if
there are aliens flying around, why would they want to land on an
allotment in Swindon? No, I reckon it's a mutation - although even
that's weird enough.'
We watched as the thing
sampled other plants in Mum's precious garden. It seemed to enjoy the
herbs and some of the ornamental grasses but quickly regurgitated a
couple of delphiniums, some peonies and an orange day lily. Mum and
Dad had disappeared upstairs, probably to try on their line dancing
outfits ready for the new class.
'They're going to go
mad when they see this. You'll have to tell them,' said Becca.
'I don't want to tell
Dad.'
'Why not?'
'I don't want to upset
him. He'll think it's his fault.'
Becca stared at me.
'No. You don't want to tell him because you were there last night.
With Chloe.' She smirked when she saw my face. 'My little brother.
At it again!'
'I'm not - we're not -
I just - '
'Don't worry, I won't
say anything.'
One of Mum's chickens
had escaped from its run and was wandering across the lawn. It took a
tentative peck or two at the thing's feet. A piece fell off. The
chicken gobbled it up, then wandered off again.
'Well, whatever it is,
it doesn't seem to mind being eaten. I think it's a vegetarian,' said
Becca. 'Like me.'
'Oh, so you're kindred
spirits, are you? OK, in that case you can go out there and tell it
to clear off.'
'No way! What if I'm
wrong? Maybe Dad's cabbages and Mum's flowers are just for starters.
How do we know we won't be the main course?' She looked at her
watch. 'Well, I'll leave you to it. I've got revision to do.'
Sisters! I thought
bitterly. Neither use nor ornament, as my Gran used to say about
Grandad before he ran off with a widow from the Silver
Threads Choir.
Mum
and Dad were still upstairs. I knew it would be at least half an hour
before they came down again.
The
thing showed no sign of leaving, and Mum's back garden was already a
wreck. I didn't really care if Dad lost a few cabbages but Mum loved
her garden. She spent hours mowing the lawn, trimming the edges,
spraying the roses, planting annuals and generally preparing for the
neighbourhood Best Garden Competition. There was no chance of her
winning this year.
If
I'd told Dad last night, he would have killed the thing right away.
How? Bashed it on the head, knocked it unconscious? Hacked it apart
with an axe? Chopped its arms and legs off?
So
what? It's just an overgrown vegetable, I told myself. But I didn't
really believe that. It moved, it walked, perhaps it had a brain of
sorts, perhaps even a heart. It was probably the first of its kind,
and not just here in Swindon. In the world. It could be a really
important new species. Scientists could set up laboratories to
observe, experiment, reproduce them. DIY gardeners could have a go.
There could be a growing market for magic manure, produced
artificially in huge quantities. Dad could become famous as the
creator of the first independently mobile cabbage.